The Birds II: Land’s End (1994)

A sequel to one of Alfred Hitchcock’s most well-known and respected films? Well, that’s an idea where nothing can possib-lie go wrong… uh, possibly go wrong. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong. Hey, it worked for Psycho II, okay?!

That’s how I’d like to imagine the pitch meeting for The Birds II: Lands’ End went.

The story follows a family that moves to a quiet coastal island looking for a fresh start. Naturally, birds immediately decide they don’t appreciate the new neighbors. What starts as a few random attacks eventually turns into bird-armageddon.

Seagulls. Crows. Toucan Sam. Woody Woodpecker. The Gilbert Gottfried parrot from Aladdin. They’re all here! And they’re pissed.

And, holy crap, they got Tippi Hedren. From 1981’s Roar. The most infamous animal movie ever filmed. Oh yeah… she was in The Birds, too. Anyway.

Okay, so, this movie stinks. Right? Like, that should be obvious from the jump. That doesn’t mean there’s not some fun to be had here. Or maybe there isn’t. It’s all subjective. What I feel like can’t be debated is the lack of tension. Something that runs rampant through the original is non-existent in this sequel. Nobody is expecting to outdo Hitchcock. You can’t. But at least make an attempt. More on that in a bit.

It lacks suspense, atmosphere, and it feels like a TV movie. Well, because it was one. The Birds II premiered as a Showtime Original in March ’94 and hit video stores that November. I don’t remember having Showtime as a kid. We had HBO, though. In 1994, you could have definitely caught me watching Gang Wars: Bangin’ in Little Rock instead. Now THAT was original. Unfortunately, this review isn’t about that.

Director Rick Rosenthal supposedly wanted to add a certain tone to the film, but was denied by the producers. They had something much more stock-’90s cliché in mind. That, along with multiple reshoots, led to Rosenthal taking his name off the film. So it gets the Alan Smithee treatment. This is the man who directed Halloween: Resurrection, btw. Let that sink in. 

Two of the three writers on this cinematic dropping later went on to write the story for the 2000 sci-fi hit Pitch Black, which gave Vin Diesel his break in Hollywood. That's an offense I simply cannot forgive.

There’s a lot to be negative about, but all things considered, the acting is okay. The movie bounces between family drama, relationship issues, and everyone dealing with their own personal problems. It’s all pretty formulaic. But I guess this is what the producers were looking for. The mayor of the town might be the best character in the whole thing because he’s literally in full “Everything is fine. Nothing to see here” mode. Because, Jaws.

The one, and I do mean one enjoyable thing about all of this is the climax. When the mass bird attack happens in the downtown part of the fictional island, you get explosions on explosions. It’s complete nonsense, but it’s the kind of nonsense I can appreciate. Sure, you have to wait till the last 15 minutes or so, but ehh. 

Ironically, this wasn’t the only Hitchcock-less sequel to make it to cable. Psycho IV: The Beginning premiered on Showtime in 1990. So, uh, yeah, sure, watch that instead.