Skyscraper (1996)

Skyscraper is Die Hard with boobs. That’s it. Bye.

…Okay, fine. There’s a little more to it than that. Anna Nicole Smith stars as a helicopter pilot who finds herself trapped in a tower overrun by terrorists, forcing her into the role of an unlikely action hero. That’s it. Bye.

Yeah, yeah, joke’s over. Where do I even begin? Perhaps with the film’s star herself, Anna Nicole Smith. An early-’90s Playboy phenomenon, successful model, and by the mid-’90s, a tabloid punchline. Most infamously, she married a near-death oil tycoon. While embroiled in legal battles over his estate, she also landed her first leading movie role in To the Limit, with Skyscraper arriving the following year. So she certainly had her hands full from ’95 onward.

Before jumping into the movie itself, it’s worth taking a look at the production company behind both of those titles. PM Entertainment Group was a staple of ’90s mid-budget direct-to-video action films.

They certainly had a formula, following the famous “7-minute rule.” A stunt, fight, car crash, explosion—something had to be on the screen every seven minutes to keep the pace moving.

Essentially, that’s what Skyscraper is doing, albeit in a budget friendly way. The reason you’re watching this, is for the dumb action. And obviously, to see Anna Nicole’s breasts. It certainly delivers on both counts. Mission accomplished. 

The opening scene takes place in a back alley, and everything is very stock. Exchanging of technology or whatever between bad guys. All ends in a shootout, a rocket launcher, and a car being launched into a semi-truck. Again, cliché? Sure, but who cares. It looks awesome. You even get one of the guys from American Gladiators. Malibu, for the record. 

From there, you are introduced to Anna’s character, Carrie, along with her husband, who will be the other lead we follow. And cue the extended sex scene. For all the things you could say about this movie, you know exactly what they were going for. Same director as To the Limit, btw. We’ll circle back to him in a bit. 

We have to talk about Anna Nicole Smith as an actress. She’s bad. Like, really bad. You know why she’s in the movie. A blind man could see it. But her line delivery is something that truly needs to be witnessed. Therefore, I put together this short clip. How convenient. 

Btw, we never really know why she’s a helicopter pilot. It’s basically just a way to set up an ending with the main bad guy on the roof. Because, of course, this movie ends there. It’s called Skyscraper. Now roll the footage. 

When the terrorists finally arrive at the non-Nakatomi Plaza—but we’ll call it Nakatomi Plaza anyway—this really does turn into Great Value Die Hard. Quite literally. So many of the characters are legit carbon copies of those in the original. Anna Nicole even does the jump-off-the-building bit. The main villain goes completely over the top, as you should in a movie like this. It’s so ridiculously stupid, yet you can’t turn away. Well, maybe you can. Depends on your tolerance for trash. 

Ironically, Skyscraper made it to video in July ‘96, just two months after Anna’s oft-compared counterpart, Pamela Anderson, headlined Barb Wire. I’d much rather watch the latter, but they both kind of exist in the same lane. It’s just one of them swerves a bit, while the other hits a telephone pole.

Oh, and as for its director, Raymond Martino, he once played a gang member in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. No, not during the famous tequila dance sequence—he appears earlier, before Pee-wee visits Madam Ruby.

Hm. Turns out there wasn’t much more to it after all. There’s no basement at the Alamo, and Anna Nicole isn’t John McClane.

The Birds II: Land’s End (1994)

A sequel to one of Alfred Hitchcock’s most well-known and respected films? Well, that’s an idea where nothing can possib-lie go wrong… uh, possibly go wrong. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong. Hey, it worked for Psycho II, okay?!

That’s how I’d like to imagine the pitch meeting for The Birds II: Lands’ End went.

The story follows a family that moves to a quiet coastal island looking for a fresh start. Naturally, birds immediately decide they don’t appreciate the new neighbors. What starts as a few random attacks eventually turns into bird-armageddon.

Seagulls. Crows. Toucan Sam. Woody Woodpecker. The Gilbert Gottfried parrot from Aladdin. They’re all here! And they’re pissed.

And, holy crap, they got Tippi Hedren. From 1981’s Roar. The most infamous animal movie ever filmed. Oh yeah… she was in The Birds, too. Anyway.

Okay, so, this movie stinks. Right? Like, that should be obvious from the jump. That doesn’t mean there’s not some fun to be had here. Or maybe there isn’t. It’s all subjective. What I feel like can’t be debated is the lack of tension. Something that runs rampant through the original is non-existent in this sequel. Nobody is expecting to outdo Hitchcock. You can’t. But at least make an attempt. More on that in a bit.

It lacks suspense, atmosphere, and it feels like a TV movie. Well, because it was one. The Birds II premiered as a Showtime Original in March ’94 and hit video stores that November. I don’t remember having Showtime as a kid. We had HBO, though. In 1994, you could have definitely caught me watching Gang Wars: Bangin’ in Little Rock instead. Now THAT was original. Unfortunately, this review isn’t about that.

Director Rick Rosenthal supposedly wanted to add a certain tone to the film, but was denied by the producers. They had something much more stock-’90s cliché in mind. That, along with multiple reshoots, led to Rosenthal taking his name off the film. So it gets the Alan Smithee treatment. This is the man who directed Halloween: Resurrection, btw. Let that sink in. 

Two of the three writers on this cinematic dropping later went on to write the story for the 2000 sci-fi hit Pitch Black, which gave Vin Diesel his break in Hollywood. That's an offense I simply cannot forgive.

There’s a lot to be negative about, but all things considered, the acting is okay. The movie bounces between family drama, relationship issues, and everyone dealing with their own personal problems. It’s all pretty formulaic. But I guess this is what the producers were looking for. The mayor of the town might be the best character in the whole thing because he’s literally in full “Everything is fine. Nothing to see here” mode. Because, Jaws.

The one, and I do mean one enjoyable thing about all of this is the climax. When the mass bird attack happens in the downtown part of the fictional island, you get explosions on explosions. It’s complete nonsense, but it’s the kind of nonsense I can appreciate. Sure, you have to wait till the last 15 minutes or so, but ehh. 

Ironically, this wasn’t the only Hitchcock-less sequel to make it to cable. Psycho IV: The Beginning premiered on Showtime in 1990. So, uh, yeah, sure, watch that instead. 

Juice (1992)

The run of classic early ’90s “hood movies” is undeniable. Boyz n the Hood. South Central. Menace II Society. Banger after banger, I love these films. But my favorite of all of ‘em, the one I constantly went back to, was 1992’s Juice.

That’s not taking anything away from anything that came before or after it, but there was just something about the dynamic between this cast that always stuck with me.

The story itself is fairly straightforward. Four friends spend their days hanging out in Harlem, but after a robbery goes horribly wrong, their friendship begins to unravel.

Everybody here plays their part, but it’s impossible to discuss Juice without talking about Bishop, played by a film-debuting Tupac Shakur. And no, I’m not counting that brief appearance in the Chevy Chase disaster Nothing but Trouble.

Shakur sells the role, but he never overplays it. You see early on why Bishop is the way he is through his home life—or lack of one. As he begins to unravel, so does the movie. Every scene he’s in carries a sense of tension because you never know what he’s going to do next.

Opposite Bishop is Q, played by Omar Epps. An aspiring DJ, he's hoping to make a name for himself by winning a local competition. While Bishop is consumed by getting money, gaining power, and earning respect, Q dreams of making it through music. It's that contrast that makes their relationship so compelling.

Ernest Dickerson also deserves a ton of credit. Before stepping into the director's chair, he had already built a reputation as Spike Lee's cinematographer, and you can see that experience here. Juice has a gritty look without ever feeling over-stylized. The camera work always feels natural, allowing the performances to take center stage instead of trying to overwhelm them with flashy visuals.

As strong as the performances are, it's the way the story plays out that really keeps you locked in. Every decision has consequences, and once the dominoes start falling, there's no turning back.

You also can't overlook the soundtrack. As someone who grew up on '90s hip hop, it's an essential part of the experience. The music doesn't just play in the background—it becomes part of the film's identity, helping set the tone from beginning to end.

Whether this is a revisit or a first-time watch, Juice comes with a high recommendation from me. Plus, where else are you going to see Tupac playing an original Street Fighter arcade cabinet? Not Street Fighter II. Street Fighter.

Ryan’s Babe (2000)

With Christopher Nolan’s latest, The Odyssey, on the horizon, I wanted to revisit another epic journey. One filled with strange encounters, unexpected detours, and a protagonist who spends most of his adventure looking utterly confused. And don’t worry, whether you’ve seen it or not, you’ll be just as perplexed. 

It’s not Homer’s Odyssey. It’s Ryan’s Babe. Courtesy of our good friends up north in Canada. 

How does one even begin to explain Ryan's Babe? Over the years, it's become a talking point among bloggers, critics, and YouTube reviewers alike, all seemingly attempting to answer the same question: what the hell is going on?

Released in 2000, Ryan’s Babe was written and directed by Ray Ramayya and filmed in Saskatchewan, Canada. The film largely disappeared after its initial release, only to be resurrected years later by cult movie fans who stumbled upon it and collectively decided that the rest of us needed to experience this too.

Let’s get into the plot. Or, rather, a series of things that happen. Because that’s exactly what this movie is. It’s literally a collection of scenes strung together with little to no connection between them. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Our main character, Ryan, is trying to get home. Home from where? Who cares? We never learn that. He just wants to see his babe, or more accurately, a woman who can’t seem to shake her feelings for Ryan despite him spending their entire shared history showing little interest in her.

Things only get more confusing from there. This movie goes into Inception levels of flashbacks. You’ll get a flashback within a flashback, followed by a transition that makes you think you’ve finally returned to the present day. Nope, wrong. You’re still in another flashback. WHAT?!

As if that wasn’t enough, this entire movie is ADR’d to all hell. To the point where there’s a scene in which a character appears to have two completely different actors’ voices coming out of his mouth.

We meet new characters, they disappear. More new characters show up, they disappear too. There are so many different storylines packed into this that it feels like someone accidentally condensed an entire season of television drama into a 90-minute movie.

Oh, did I say drama? Because judging by the movie poster, you’d think this was some goofy road-trip boner comedy where Ryan takes a zany wrong turn, somehow ends up in Las Vegas, and Snoop Dogg randomly appears halfway through to dispense life advice.

I’m completely making this up, and yet it somehow feels no less plausible than anything that actually happens in Ryan’s Babe.

Things that happen to our main character:

• He trades his car with a couple stranded on the side of the road. The wife complains that she hates the shade of her husband’s green car. It’s blue. Not green. Blue.

• He gets kidnapped and drugged by a group of cheerleaders because they’re convinced he’s the man who attacked their friend.

• He befriends a bartender by quoting Homer. The bartender immediately decides Ryan should work with him at a strip club so they can meet women. Ryan then hooks up with an older widow who becomes interested in him because he reminds her of her late football-player husband. After they sleep together, she dies. Ryan leaves.

These are just a few examples, because why spoil the entire thing? This is a movie that needs to be seen, then talked about, then probably seen again because you’ll have no idea what you just witnessed.

Oh, and because subtlety was apparently never on the table, in an early scene Ryan is literally reading from Homer’s Odyssey.

While Ryan’s Babe won’t be allowed in the No Homers Club—because we let Homer Glumplich in, and we’re only allowed to have one—it does earn a special place on the Mount Rushmore of all-time head-scratching, bizarre films.

Bravo, Canada.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

 

In my previous look back at the non-sequel that was Son of Sleepaway Camp (aka Memorial Valley Massacre), I mentioned that, sure, it was bad—but at least it wasn’t Return to Sleepaway Camp bad. That wasn’t a joke. 

Before I dive in, let me state that I don’t want to turn this into something overly negative. There’s a great website, SleepawayCampFilms.com, dedicated to the franchise, and the people behind it deserve a lot of credit for helping bring this project together. They managed to reconnect the writer/director of the original film, Robert Hiltzik, with much of the original cast, including Paul DeAngelo (Counselor Ronnie), Jonathan Tiersten (Ricky), and of course, Felissa Rose as Angela Baker.

I love those first three Sleepaway Camp movies. They go from the mysterious, eerie slasher feel of the first film to the more comedic, over-the-top silliness of the Pamela Springsteen-led sequels, yet each one has its own charm, and that’s part of why they work for me. Maybe to a lesser extent with the third film, but that’s okay—it still has its moments.

Hiltzik had no involvement with those sequels, disagreeing with that previously referenced decision to take the series in a comedic direction. After the first film, he left the industry to pursue other interests. Producer Jerry Silva, who worked on the original film, helped get the first two sequels off the ground, filming them back-to-back and releasing them in 1988 and 1989. That eventually led to the ill-fated Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor in 1992, a film that was never completed due to the production company being shut down during shooting.

Fast forward to 2003, a new film is underway with the aforementioned cast & director from the original. On paper, this seemed like it was going to be a love letter for fans of that film. Granted, it was going to ignore the events of Parts 2 and 3. Personally, I’m not a fan of that decision, but if the movie is good, then no worries. But if you’ve seen it, then you already know how that turned out.

Again, I don’t want this to turn sour, but it’s time to discuss the finished product. The story follows Alan, an overweight teenager who quickly finds himself the target of relentless bullying at summer camp. As the abuse escalates, campers and counselors alike begin turning up dead, with Angela Baker once again lurking in the shadows. It’s a simple setup that “tries” to recapture the spirit of the original.

I hate this. Like, not everything, but most of it. I appreciate bringing back the original cast—that’s fun. And yes, technically that’s a spoiler because the killer is once again Angela (Felissa Rose), who spends most of the movie dressed as a sheriff investigating the murders at the camp. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve seen any of the previous entries or not—you know this character is not who they say they are, largely due to the ridiculous costume. She’s still great, though. 

Now, before jumping into what really turned this against me, as well as many others, I have to mention the celebrity cameos. Isaac Hayes shows up as the camp chef. Get it? South Park. Vincent Pastore appears, and one character refers to him as a “Big Pussy.” Get it? The Sopranos. REFERENCES. 

Our protagonist, Alan…dear god. Nothing against the actor who played him—he’s just a kid doing what he was asked to do. Alan, on the other hand, is the worst. Not just in this movie, but literally the worst. One of the worst characters in any slasher film ever. Maybe any horror movie ever. Yeah…I’m comfortable saying that. He’s constantly picked on by the other campers, but we never feel bad for him. Why? Because he treats everyone like shit. The movie opens with him bullying others, so when it’s turned back on him, why the hell would we care? He also comes equipped with his own catch phrase. Like a pull string doll. 

The film spends the entire runtime wanting you to think he’s the killer. But again, you have a cartoon-like sheriff with a prosthetic nose and a voice box that you already know is the damn killer. This movie is so frustrating. 

If Alan is the most irritating thing about this, the most frustrating aspect is the CGI. One of the biggest reasons this sat on the shelf for five years after filming was because Hiltzik wasn’t happy with the original digital effects. New artists were brought in, some scenes were reshot, and the end result is…it still looks awful. You can tell what was redone because there are a few—and I do mean a few—practical effects that actually look decent. Not that you’ll remember any of them, because you won’t be able to forget the dodgy CGI used throughout the rest of it.

Combine that with failed distribution deals, and it was all sort of a recipe for disaster. In mid-2008, Magnolia Pictures picked it up for a straight-to-DVD release.

I remember the initial reaction to it was, well, poor. For the reasons referenced above, but also because the story just wasn’t good. It moves slowly. When it tries to be funny, it isn’t. It lacked everything that made the previous films enjoyable. Again, it’s fun seeing the returning cast, but there’s not a whole lot of interaction between them. The supporting cast—the counselors, campers, etc.—just doesn’t work. Everyone is an asshole. This was, and still is, such a letdown.

It was reported in 2025 that a production company helmed by Saturday Night Live alum Kenan Thompson is working with Hiltzik on a new Sleepaway Camp movie—a remake. Which, of course, leaves me hoping for one thing: a reunion with Kenan’s former co-star, Kel Mitchell. Death by orange soda bottle. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cleanse my palate by watching Felissa Rose rap about food safety.  

Life After Romero: The Other Day of the Dead Movies (2005 - 2017)

 

George Romero’s Day of the Dead hit theaters in 1985. Following up the masterpiece that was Dawn of the Dead in 1978, it wasn’t a huge success at the time. Over the years, however, it became a horror classic, featuring great makeup effects, memorable characters, and, without question, the best zombie in the entire Dead series.

The story ended, the survivors escaped, and that should have been that.

Then Romero went full George Lucas and couldn’t leave well enough alone. 

What I really wanted to look at were the years following the zombie resurgence of the early 2000s. As much as I don’t want to spend much time discussing Romero’s later films, it’s impossible to ignore the release of Land of the Dead in 2005. Romero was back, zombies were popular again, and horror fans were paying attention.

Of course, that wasn’t the only thing happening. The Dawn of the Dead remake had been a major hit the year before, proving there was still plenty of life left in the zombie genre. And whenever something becomes popular in Hollywood, somebody inevitably starts looking for a familiar name to slap on a poster.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005)

I can distinctly remember walking down the horror aisle at Blockbuster Video, seeing this on the shelf, and thinking, “What the hell is this?” A sequel to Day of the Dead? It even used the same logo as Romero’s film. To make things even stranger, it was released by Anchor Bay Entertainment, one of the major DVD distributors at the time. Everything about the box was trying to convince me this was somehow a legitimate continuation of Day of the Dead. Well, aside from the dodgy Photoshopped zombie, but okay, given the time, it’s whatever. 

I had to rent it. I had to see what this was about.

Now, while I can clearly remember seeing this in the store, I can’t for the life of me remember how far I made it into the movie before shutting it off. I was duped. They got me. Not only was this not connected to Romero’s film, it was one of the worst things I had ever seen. No hyperbole.

So of course, 20 years later, I went back to rewatch it, or watch it in full for the first time. Was it really as bad as I remembered?

Well, yes.

If you’re asking why I would do such a thing, the simple answer is because I’m an idiot. Which may very well be true. But after Scream Factory’s recent 4K release of the original Day of the Dead, I had this urge to revisit the non-Romero films. You know it’s a bad idea. You know nothing good can come from it. Yet for some reason, you still feel compelled to see what happens.

The film follows a virus outbreak inside a psychiatric hospital. Zombies appear, people die, and characters spend an alarming amount of time explaining things that don’t matter.

With a run time of 1 hr 43 minutes, that’s actually two minutes longer than the original. 

Fuck off. 

Oh, here’s the fun fact in all this. This was never intended to be a Day of the Dead sequel. It was filmed under the title Contagium. But as we established, zombies were popular again, and to cash in on the latest Romero film, the DOTD title was slapped on at the last minute. 

Which explains a lot, because there is absolutely nothing about this movie that feels like its supposed predecessor. No tension. No atmosphere. No sense of dread. Just endless scenes of people standing around discussing viruses while the movie slowly drains the life out of the room.

It took me 20 years to finally finish this thing. And I can say without any doubt that I will never watch it again. Some movies deserve a second chance. This wasn’t one of them.

Oh, and the zombies talk in this one.

Again, fuck off.

Day of the Dead (2008)

If Contagium existed to cash in on Romero’s return, then the 2008 remake existed because Hollywood had apparently decided every horror movie made before 1990 needed a remake.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Halloween. The Omen. Black Christmas. Studios were digging through old horror titles like they had discovered a cheat code.

Eventually they got to Day of the Dead.

Unlike Contagium, this one at least had the advantage of feeling like an actual movie. I’m not saying that it’s good, but it was clearly made by people who knew what they were doing. For better or worse. 

Director Steve Miner was no stranger to the genre. He had already directed Friday the 13th Parts 2 and 3, along with Halloween H20. The writer, Jeffrey Reddick, worked on the original Final Destination. You had recognizable actors like Mena Suvari, Ving Rhames (who ironically had already survived one zombie apocalypse in the Dawn remake), and let me check my notes… Nick Cannon.

Okay… maybe this isn’t sounding as impressive as I thought it would.

The story follows a group of soldiers and civilians in a small Colorado town as a mysterious virus begins turning people into zombies. There’s a military quarantine, a mad scientist, fast-moving infected, and enough gunfire to make you wonder if you’re accidentally watching a Resident Evil movie.

That’s the problem here. This isn’t a remake of Day of the Dead. It’s a generic, run-of-the-mill zombie film. Tons of bad CGI, cliché characters, forced one-liners, and action scenes that quickly become repetitive. The movie never develops an identity of its own.

It feels like a made-for-Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week. I’m honestly surprised that it wasn’t. Bland, uninspired, nothing to see here.

But it sucks less than Contagium.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline (2017)

Somehow this completely went under my radar, and while I may have heard about it in passing, this was going to be a first-time watch for me. Grand opening, grand closing.

Bloodline takes the basic premises of Romero’s film. Zombie outbreak? Check. Safe compound? Check. Then it tosses most of it out the window and introduces the worst villain in this not-so-official franchise. A character who is portrayed as a stalker and sexual predator before the outbreak even begins. That’s certainly… a choice.

The film follows Zoe, a medical student living in a survivor camp years after civilization collapsed. When she begins studying a zombie named Max in hopes of finding a cure, she discovers that he isn’t your average flesh-eating corpse. 

Spoiler: he’s the creep. He also looks like a Great-Value Bub. 

If the last movie was forgettable because it played everything on standard mode, this one goes in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, this one stinks just as much. 

It feels less like a Dead movie and more like a completely different script that somebody threw zombies into at the last minute. Again, this has nothing to do with Romero. The main character makes decisions that are questionable even by horror movie standards. The rest of the cast is made up of characters you instantly forget as the movie goes along.

What I can’t get over is the decision to make your main antagonist an undead restraining order. He’s treated as more of a threat than the actual virus.

Honestly, there are several points where Capt. Rhodes would have solved this entire movie in about thirty seconds. Joe Pilato was the man.

When the project was first announced in 2013, the producers stated that they wanted this remake to stay close to Romero’s original. 

Well, you can choke on that.

This was one of the more miserable experiences I’ve had watching a group of movies back-to-back-to-back. And I did it entirely of my own accord.

Romero’s last two entries, Diary and Survival of the Dead, get a bad rap among horror fans. Rightfully so. They’re rotten. Land of the Dead? Eh, it gets a pass. It’s fine.

It’s just such a shame to look at how strong that original trilogy was. And not just what became of it, but what spawned from it.

One more for the fire.