We've all seen this movie, right? It's as familiar to each of us as the crackle of the needle dropping on the first LP we ever bought. Or, for you young'un's out there, as familiar as the frustration in trying to get the CD packaging open. British literary critic Christopher Booker...or maybe it was British furry enthusiast Christopher Robin...once said that there are only
seven basic plots to fiction. And he said this
before Stephenie Meyer started publishing! Well, if that's true, at least one of those plots probably involves jet packs, giant super-powered robots and kung fu princesses, but one of the other universal plots, a story as old as time and engrained in our civilization as firmly as Homer's Odyssey, Cervantes' Don Quixote, and that episode of
Davey and Goliath where Davey did something wrong and Goliath scolded him with words from the Bible until Davey made good his mistake...one of those plots
must be the story of a pop band...
![They're on the set of Q*Bert: The Motion Picture. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld01.jpg)
...pursued by crazed, obsessed fans...
![The violence at Hogwart's that day was so brutal that young Harry Potter never recovered his trademark spectacles. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld02.jpg)
...answering journalists' questions with quirky and irreverent wit...
![Emo girl is emo. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld03.jpg)
...under the watchful eye of their over-protective manager....
![And all this time my mom told me milk came from COWS. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld04.jpg)
...donning increasingly-outrageous outfits and costumes....
![He's hiding out from Heather Mills. She's hopping mad. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld05.jpg)
...and their misunderstandings that lead to run-ins with the law...
!['I'm arresting you for recording 'Beaucoups of Blues.' You have the right to remain silent. PLEASE.' A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld06.jpg)
...but still they find time to have wacky, youthful, running, jumping, standing-still fun...
![Rarely seen photos from the day all the other Beatles beat up John. A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld07.jpg)
...finally culminating in their triumphant, broadcast around the world concert!
!['And now, Topo Gigio!' A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld08.jpg)
Yes, I think we
all know the name of this movie, right?
Right?
Wrong! While this movie follows all the above tropes, it
doesn't star John, Paul, George and the other one. Instead, feast your eyes on
Ginger, Scary, Baby, Sporty and Posh Spice! (Not pictured: Penzey Spice, Kessel Spice, or Old Spice)
![And in the center square...Paul Lynde! A Hard Day's Night](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld10.jpg)
...all starring in the 1997 classic but seldom seen
Spice World!
![sum=('Charlie's Angels' x 1.6666-recurring) Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld11.jpg)
For those of you who, like Captain William "Buck" Rogers, were frozen alive in 1987 and awoken five centuries later to scenes of global devastation and annoying robots, The Spice Girls were a UK mid-1990s girl pop group that ruled the world with their iron thumbs and massive platform shoes, serenading the nations of the earth into submission with infectious and poppy beats like "Wannabe," which gave culture the now-popular phrase
zigazig-ha. Before their eventual defeat by the forces of rock 'n' roll led by General Gene Simmons, the Spice Girls sold over seven hundred thousand billion records, which, if placed end to end, would fall over because it's really hard to stack round things.
Nowadays, left behind except for the occasional two minute feature on
I ♥ the '90s and the punchline for a Graham Norton joke, the Spice Girls can look back on their history and shrug and sigh and say that at least they got a few infectiously poppy singles out of their early careers.
And a pretty fun
and funny, if mostly insubstantial, motion picture.
Yeah, I said it...
Spice World is a really fun movie. That it's not in the pantheon of decent music-group motion pictures is probably only the still-too-recent backlash against pre-fabricated pop groups, so perhaps by the more enlightened year of 2525 (if mankind is still alive), they'll appreciate
Spice World as ninety minutes of short skirts, really high heels, celebrity cameos, pop music, girl power and more than a few giggles. Really, don't take it so seriouslythis is a movie in which the Spice Girls (uncannily accurate in the roles of themselves) cruise around London in their double-decker headquarters, "The Spice Bus."
![Say, Is that Dick van Dyke dancing on the rooftops over there? Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld13.jpg)
Like another great British mode of transport, the Spice Bus is bigger on the inside than outside, giving each girl her own personal living space. (A nod to the shared living quarters of the Beatles in the movie
Help?)
!['All right, which one of you girls put in the Eiffel Towers?' 'Engineering Spice, sir.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld14.jpg)
But did the Beatles have
Meat Loaf driving their home?
They did not. !['No, officer, I wasn't driving like a bat out of hell...why?' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld15.jpg)
Mister Loaf is by no means the sole big-name star appearing in
Spice World: you've got Richard E. Grant (
Withnail and I) as Clifford, the girls' harried and long-suffering manager...
![LOOK OUT, Richard E. Grant...R2-D2's sneaking up to KILL YOU! Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld16.jpg)
...Alan Cumming (
The Anniversary Party and
Josie and the Pussycats, two movies anyone should be proud to have on their resumé) as hapless and ineffectual documentary filmmaker Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth, making a special about the Spice Girls...
!['Nein, I VAS Nightcrawler. Here, I show you...I vill BAMF my vay over there.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld17.jpg)
...Barry Humphries, leaving his Dame Edna Everage drag behind to play Kevin McMaxford, ruthless media baron and thinly disguised parody of Rubert Murdoch...
!['You've got t' help me, my penchant fro collecting crystal knick-knacks is getting' out of hand!' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld18.jpg)
...who hires super-sneaky photographer Damien (
Rocky Horror's Richard O'Brien)...
![If they arrest him, they'll have to read him his Carmen Miranda rights. Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld19.jpg)
...to publicly discredit everyone's favorite pop princesses!
Oh no!
Meanwhile, movie producer George Wendt ("NORM!" from
Cheers), wants to make a
Spice World movie (whoa,
meta!)
!['Cmon, Sammy, if you're in the movie it might get your baseball career back on track!' 'Okay, Norm, but I'm not going to marry Rebecca until Carla gets Woody out of hemp rehab.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld21.jpg)
Meanwhile, the Spice Girls (oh, I'd forgotten about them) are rehearsing for their massive world-wide concert broadcast live from the Albert Hall, but they've always got break-time to hang out with their best mate Nicola, who's played by Naoko Mori. Genre fans might know her better as Toshiko "Tosh" Sato in
Torchwood. And you know what
that means, Doctor Who fanboys?
The Spice Girls are in canon! Yes, it's only a matter of time before The Doctor takes Posh and Becks on as his new companions. Nicola's massively pregnant (probably, if I know my
Torchwood plots, by a rift-traveling alien), and you get the idea that she could have been the sixth Spice Girl (Torchwood Spice?) if she hadn't gotten that interstellar bun in the oven. In short, it's an excellent moral for the young girls who are the main target audience of the Spice Girls:
use condoms or you don't get to be in the world-wide musical sensation band.
!['And then Captain Jack shot me and Gwen kissed me and...well, It was another long day at the office, I don't want to talk about it.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld23.jpg)
Aside from the main players, the film's chuck-a-block full of cameo guest appearances from big names in the UK music, film, and comedy world. Here's Elton John, quite possibly in the only role where his wardrobe is out-glamoured by five girls:
!['Uh uh, Elton, you're gay, don't touch those.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld26.jpg)
Here's BAFTA and Golden Globe winner Bob Hoskins in a six second (count 'em, six) cameo...
AbFab's Jennifer Saunders swaps fashion gossip with Posh Spice...
!['Oh dear, Patsy's set herself on fire again.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld28.jpg)
Elvis Costello moonlighting as a bartender...
!['Look, mate, I'll tell you for the last time...I'm not giving you Diana Krall's phone number.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld29.jpg)
...and Stephen Fry (known for his roles on every single television and radio show produced by the BBC) as a judge in a dream sequence which predicts the Spice Girls's fall from fame: "You've been charged with releasing a single that is by no means as kicking as your previous records. Nor does it have such a dirty phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 179 and having it fall completely out the following week."
!['Yes, yes, I know. Just give me my cash and a ride to my next guest appearance.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld30.jpg)
There's a genuine hammy glee to each of these celeb cameos and you have the feeling that they took the role not only because teenage daughters/nieces/girlfriends begged them to, but because they're actually having
fun, probably no one more than Roger Moore. Yes, The Saint, James Bond, ffolkes himself as 'The Chief," Richard E. Grant's boss, dispenser of zen coping advice and stroking, upon each appearance, an increasingly bizarre small lap animal:
!['And now, Mister Bond, Puss-Puss and I shall...wait a minute, I'm sitting in the wrong chair.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld31.jpg)
!['I'm glad you could all come to my little party. And Flopsy's glad too, aren't you, Flopsy?' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld32.jpg)
![It was in Roger Moore's contract that he could take home the pig after filming. Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld33.jpg)
Not to mention Bob Geldof, Jools Holland, Hugh Laurie, Jonathan Ross, Richard Briers...whoa! That sounds like a lot of guest stars, a lot of subplots, and a confusing mess of a film. Well, it really isn't. Not unlike a Spice Girls song itself, each scene is no more than a few minutes, and altho' the plot and dropped-in subplots are manufactured, fluffy, and light, well, so is Cool Whip, and I think we all know how delicious
that is.
The comedy and parody is fun but so gentle that, a couple
extremely mild sex jokes aside, this is the perfect film for a pre-teen girl slumber party, and the tone of complete non-seriousness makes the background flashback of five young girls struggling to get a break in the music business while scrimping and saving at Bryan Brown's tea shop.
!['Look, I told ye for the last time, I can't get ye Diana Krall's phone number!' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld36.jpg)
Quite a retcon from the real Spice Girls history of a manufactured band gathered by producers to compete with the equally manufactured boy band groups like Take That and the Backstreet Boys. Which, while true, would not be as fun a flashback of them dancing and singing "Wannabe" in the café, making promises to each other that they'll always stay together when they hit it big.
![Oi, off the table, ginger one! Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld37.jpg)
And you want a big action climax? You've got it, mate! How about Posh Spice saving the day by driving the speeding Spice Bus towards their big gig, all the time the clock ticking...
!['I put it in 'D' for drive...now I'm going to put it in 'R' for 'really fast'!' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld38.jpg)
...
and doing it in stiletto heels at that!
![Miss Adams' footwear provided by Eddie Izzard. Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld39.jpg)
A clever poke at the tropes of action films: George Wendt narrates the chase as a movie scene, leading up to the dramatic leap the bus must make across the opening Tower Bridge, providing an amazing stunt scene. "That'll be
expensive," doubts Richard E. Grant.
!['Whoever crosses this bridge must answer me these questions three...hey, come back!' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld40.jpg)
"Not necessarily," points out George.
![Some say he can drive a model bus over a model bridge with his mind...and that he was the Sixth Spice Girl. All we know is, he's called the Stig. Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld41.jpg)
Happy endings? Why, of course. Tosh has her beautiful alien baby girl, thus forever cementing Earth's relations with interstellar space...
!['Please, don't let her eat me.' Spice World](http://www.littlestuffedbull.com/images/unseenfilms/spiceworld/spiceworld42.jpg)
...and the Spice Girls rule triumphant in their smash concert that ends war, famine, disease, crime, and those little fiddly bits at the bottom of a bucket of popcorn that look like you can eat them but usually wind up cracking your teeth. Ouch!
An Unseen Film? Well, maybe by the standards of some of the films on this blog, not really. According to Wikipedia, "the encyclopedia where
you can write in the margins!" the motion picture
Spice World made one hundred billion zillion trillion dollars and was seen by every man, woman, child on Earth.
Even Sting. I'm not certain I trust this Wiki entry edited by "gingergeri123." But there you have it.
But: it's a film that deserves to be seen more widely, because it's not the pop-culture fast-buck rip-off film you might suspect it would be. The humor is light, the plot is virtually non-existent, the music is poppy and historically probably insignificant, but you know what? I laughed
a lot...and I came out of the money theater when I first saw it with a big smile and a "That was
so much better than it had any right to be!" on my lips.
No, it absolutely is
not A Hard Day's Night, even tho' it follows the same tropes and lightweight plot. But it succeeds where so many pop band-centered movies don't: it's colorful, bright, fun and silly. Maybe that's the brilliance behind the creation of the Spice Girls and their alter egos after all: their Spice names instantly gave them personality, even if two-dimensional ones, and where movies like
From Justin to Kelly and
Glitter fail is perhaps a key to the next producer of a movie opus starring Carrie Underwood or Justin Bieber: make sure the stars have personality as well as musical chops. The best movies starring rock or pop or rap musicians...think not only
Hard Day's Night but
Purple Rain or
8 Mile...succeed not on the musical but on the dramatic or comic performances of the stars. It might not have been asking much to have the Spice Girls play themselves, but really, nobody else could.
And really, when the Spice Girls peer out at the movie-attending or DVD-watching audience and break the fourth wall during the end credits, it reminds us that there was an age when prefabricated girl groups roamed the earth, scaling the Billboard charts and musical-guesting
Jonathan Ross, lipsynching their way to the toppermost of the poppermost. After all, ain't that what it's all about...
Girl Power!