Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Year End 2016: The Worst of the Year

Every year there are some films so bad we can't forget them no matter how we try- these are the ones I truly hated from start to finish. Finished is important because there wee a lot of films I really hated that I abandoned somewhere along the way.

ZERO- produced by Ridley Scott and directed by his son this turd ball is about the day gravity stopped. A big budget for a small terrible film that goes nowhere. If Papa Scott wasn't involved this would never have seen the light of day.

MOONWALK-unfunny comedy about faking the moon landings by some nitwits when Stanley Kubrick refuses to do so. Bloody and unfunny

SPOILS BEFORE DYING- stupid TV minseries about a jazz musician turning detective. Not funny and not good

TIGER ROAD- opened up stage play about soldiers who kidnap a woman during the Iraq War only to find one of them is her ex-boyfriend. What  works on stage doesn't always work on screen and opening up what would have been a one set one act play is often a bad idea- one need look no farther than this film.

NERDLAND - vile vulgar and just plain dumb cartoon about two guys searching for fame. Painful. No one I met at Tribeca, where it premiered, liked it.

ACTOR MARTINEZ- meta inde film you either click with or loath. I loath it.

EL CARRO DE TOLUQUILLA- semi documentary about a singer with AIDS is incredibly interesting for about 20 minutes until you realize it's slice of semi-constructed life is going nowhere.

KING COBRA- good performances get lost in a film where the director focuses on the least interesting character. How did this get major attention?

HOLIDAYS- awful horror anthology where in every case except one you know how it will go. Its also the worst thing that Kevin Smith has ever done

BUGS- unfocused and repetitive look at the possibility of using bugs as a food source.

SPAGHETTIMAN- man has in incident with a microwave and a bowl of pasta and can fire pasta from his hand and elsewhere. its a five minute skit dragged on for 90 minutes. The screener I had broke after an hour and I was thrilled I didn't have to stay to the end

ONE DOLLAR TOO MANY- awful spaghetti western comedy with no laughs

37- A story about Kitty Genovese where she never appears.What would have been an okay slice of life is wrecked by connecting it to a real event.

REHEARSAL - Morally offensive film makes no sense on any number of levels and commits the sin of being against statutory rape in most sequences but is okay with our hero sleeping with a 13 year old. I don't care if it worked in the book it's not on the screen.

2 JENNIFER- awful horror film

JUDGE ARCHER- slow dull martial arts film that should have remained unseen

IN SEARCH OF ULTRA SEX- a bad sex film made from bad sex film clips

THERAPY- found footage fiasco has way too many shots and events that defy reason.

TAG-A-LONG- awful horror film about a ghost that follows along behind people bringing bad luck,

ELLE- Paul Verhoeven's rape comedy about a woman who is raped and may or may not have liked it and...empty meaningless and probably offensive (though to be fair because Isabelle Huppert is involved there maybe something here but I have yet to find it)

MY ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL SINKING INTO THE SEA- badly done animated film is a clear explanation why it's director is a cult graphic novelist instead of a major filmmaker.  Its a mess and the more I think about it the less I like it. How did this get into NYFF and so many other better films didn't? More amazingly the usually spot on GKids is releasing this and I'm left scratching my head.

NEIL STRYKER- I initially thought this was pretty good but a second time through and lots of discussion made me realize just how awful it is.

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